i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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