How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
