its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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