Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
