So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
