So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Randomize
