dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
