The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Can I color on your dick again?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
