i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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