I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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