I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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