The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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