I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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