Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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