I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
