Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
