He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
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I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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