I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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