And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
