I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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