It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Let's paint friendship bongs
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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