he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
