no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
