I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?