Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
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You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you