Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels