WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.