life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.