I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
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I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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