I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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