'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
