This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
