$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
