I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
