im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
