i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
