can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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