If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
