Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
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I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
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One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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