Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
