i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
