We're facebook friends in real life
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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