You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
