Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
