margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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