I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
