can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
