it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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