I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
