and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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