we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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