I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
