i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
