mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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