I just saw a hot homeless man
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
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