Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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