We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
