this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
