Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
