You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
