And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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