I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
