sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
