My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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